Nakama, The Crew of Possibilities

Nakama has many terms, the most relevant meanings being “Companions” or “Ones closer than Family.” It has been close to two years since I last updated my Nakama and I believe its time to see who stayed and who left. This is my original Nakama, the Nakama of Protection and Dreams.

Nakama, The Family of Protection and Dreams
(Like I said before, the asterisk annotated ones are those who were especially close to me during that time.)
1. John Salvador
2. Kirsten Coronado
3. Jennifer Trinh
4. Mitch Ramlakhan
5. Chris Kalphat*
6. Michael Robles
7. Robert Terry
8. Julian Encarnacion
9. Sachin Chandan
10. Mina Iskaros
11. Robert Evans
12. Daniel Librojo
13. Samatha Dacasin
14. Gabrielle Gulo*
15. Justin Ortuoste
16. Ivan Alvarado*
17. Francis Lim
18. Megan Gata*

And believe me the list has changed dramatically in the last two years leading me to devise a new one because I felt it was wrong to leave that list as it was. Families change and friends come and go, so this list needs to change as well.

Nakama, The Crew of Possibilities

First Class [Highest Rank]
1. Megan Gata
2.Ivan Alvarado

Second Class [Extremely Important]
1. Christopher Kalphat
2. Gabrielle Gulo

Third Class [Above the Above Averages]
1. Robert Evans
2. Mikael Davis
3. Bernard Wyllie

Honorary Class [Above Average]
1. Mitch Ramlakhan
2. Mikael Davis
3. John Salvador
4. Jen Trinh

Special Classes
Awesome Class [Equal to Second Class]
1. Andrew Harrison

Family (Redwood) Class [Equal to Third Class]
1. John Fostek
2. Nathan Harmes
3. AJ Polanco
4. Jairus Amar
5. Jennifer April Abraham

Resident/RA Class [Equal to Third Class]
1. Julia Briceno
2. Kat Purisima
3. Ebenezer Ackon
4. Sofia Gonzalez
5. Ernest Grzybowski
6. Deanna Croner
7. Jith Chatterjee

Sibling Class [Equal to Third Class]
1. Miguel Granda
2. Patricia Tabamo

Vector Class [Equal to Third Class]
1. Mike Lowry
2. La Sciachitano
3. Melissa Silberstrang

RZA Class [Equal to Honrary Class]
1. Syed Abassi

In lieu of other things, my WordPress account has been revamped and I have been generally busy. I promise I’ll write more soon as I finish this week. Hopefully.

Keep it easy.

Sincerely,
Jed

Disconnected

In all truths, there will be a lie. And in all lies, there must be a truth.

Somewhere along the way, I have become a silent force to be reckoned with in college. It may sound a little conceited, but seeing how most of my life was all about bending to someone else’s will or sacrificing myself to protect another, I’m allowed to have it.

A while ago, I would have spouted nonsense about protecting others and the importance of friends. At times, you’ll hear me say it with conviction, yet in more recent times, I started becoming more of an asshole to other people.

In the last year, my innocence was destroyed, has my beliefs challenged, was spat on and degraded, fought to protect another and failed, and lost more friends then ever. Everyone has problems, but even saints will succumb to the power of darkness and despair.

My life has been filled with constant disappointment and the few wins I do receive are celebrated on. It hurts to find myself rejecting help or a chance at reconciling a friendship when I know what I’m doing is what I want; not what I used to do.

My innocence was destroyed back in fifth grade when my best friend committed suicide and from there it went down hill. It’s an amazement that I survived this long on willpower alone.

So indeed I’m disconnected from my past. And my heart and mind would not want it any other way.

So if my heart does come back around, maybe I’ll give you a call. But, it’s too late for that old me to come back to the stage. Everyone needs to grow up and get older, even the characters of a book to do.

I’m just tired right now.

Sincerely,
Jed

At Your Local Internet Cafe

Good afternoon, well morning for all of you United States readers out there. I passed the half-way mark in my trip in the Philippines (Filipinas) and is currently at your very local internet cafe (SM Bacoor – Netopia).

At this moment, I have less than 14 minutes to finish this post and write something both captivating and motivating. Bleh, =P. “I’m not doin’ this shii no mo’. I’m vacationin’.”

So I have been drifting around this large country the world calls Philippines and the natives call Filipinas.

My grand’rents 50th anniversary was actually pretty good, even though I choked HARD when I tried singing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’ by Franki Valli. And the new camera I have is amazing although I’m still trying to get used to it.

Afterwards, I started listening to more Jason Mraz songs and going to beaches. I think I tanned, but who knows for certain, its my vacation and free time before I return to the world of Freshmen Handbooks, RA Training, Vectoring and… oh yeah, school.

So I got a good few pics that I’ll put online soon and a few stories to tell.
1) One about the rewards of kindness.
2) A scary freaky story.
3) When I choked in front of a crowd of people.
4) Misc. other events.

Anyway, I have about 8 minutes left and I want to make sure this posts right. So I’ll text people when I get back, well only 3 people because I promised I would.

You know its hard to write in a crowded room even though I’m somewhat focused at the moment. Eh, I’m in a good mood so catch all you guys on the flip side. (That’s right I’m bring it back.)

Enjoy the rest of your summer.

Sincerely,
Jed

To Love

Its been highly debated whether human beings are naturally evil or naturally good. Some people believe that we are neutral while others believe that experience and interaction with others shape our views and choices of right or wrong.

All sides of this argument are well supported, well researched, and well convincing. As humans we are tempted to choose what would benefit us the most, regardless of the right or wrong in the situation; however, it is usually easier to do what is right if the situation benefits ourselves.

At times, I wonder if this argument is relative to ones own life. Does our innate natures affect our goals? Our dreams? Our daily interactions? Or does it hold no relevance to our destined/selective path?

Do we yearn for the riches of life? Or do we fight for no reason but to taste the blood of our victims? Do we lust for the body? Or stubbornly trudge through the hardships? Is pessimism really a bad trait to have?

From my point of view, we all yearn for something sinister and something precious. Our dreams and our hopes, our friends and family, and the everyday choices we make can be viewed as a selfish choice or a sacrificial one. To love or be loved, which do you TRULY want more?

During my travels through life, I recently discovered that by loving someone I disproved the notion that you must love yourself before you can love another. To love your friends who stand by you and make you smile, regardless if you argue, doubt, or hate them, is an amazing feeling that can lead you to love yourself.

Its exceptionally hard to love yourself because you usually can’t see how amazing you are, most people are either driven by a will to better themselves (pessimistic) or believe themselves to be perfect (WAY optimistic), only a few people see themselves on the borderline before tipping to a direction.

By playing the challenging game of friendship, we suffer through betrayal, anger, departure, and sadness to discover, and if we’re lucky, one person who makes us feel happy because they make everything better with just their presence.

I’m lucky enough to have two people in my life who gives me this feeling.

And yesterday morning, I spent it with one of my closest friends. Even though we only listened to music and hung out in a park climbing things, I loved seeing her smile and understanding that I loved her. Not the love we see in movies or newly formed couples, but the love you feel when you know that it doesn’t have to be anything sexual, intimate, nor complex, it can very well be unexplainable.

And for the first time, after understanding that I loved her, I felt love for myself. I felt a true sense of confidence that I haven’t felt in a long time. And to love someone, on such a level, made me understand that people aren’t so complex.

People are simple, they only want to be happy. The primary goal in anyone’s life is to find happiness whether it is in love, lust, obsession, or destruction. We live to pursue our dreams and goals to make us happy.

And no, I’m not seeking a deeper relationship with my close friend because of my realization, but for nothing to immediately change between us, because I’m happy where I am.

And somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that people are living everyday of their life to love, to cry, to feel a sense of accomplishment because everything comes back to happiness.

To love… is a(n)…

Sincerely,
Jed

Writing Myself to Sleep

It has been a LONG time since I last posted anything and the truth of the matter is, I have been okay.

I mean, life isn’t perfect. I still have arguments with my parents, struggles in school, and bored days; yet, I also have shared moments with friends, playing new games, and working hard to ensure that … well… I’ll keep this part a secret.

Usually when I need to go to sleep, I’d listen to my ipod till I collapse from the reminiscent thoughts I endure or I watch the night time sky till I lose myself in thought and fall asleep wishing and wondering.

With my life in a slight disarray because Megan is mad at me for ignoring her at one point during the week, Ivan making me play WoW, and the Honors Handbook having to be finished soon, I’m happy that I can take this moment to relax and keep this blog updated with the happenings in my life.

The amount of people actually reading my blog is seldom, I know; however, I’m happy that this acts as my public journal to the world. And I guess another reason why I don’t write as often is the presence of my actual journal I received from Gabs a while back.

Maybe if I was still in high school, I’d write about how stressed, disappointed, saddened I am about where I am, but I’m no longer in high school. I’m entering my second year in college and I’m being honest to myself.

I guess I can come clean now, I have seriously hated being the nice guy. I’m nice to people because it makes me happy to do something for another, but the second I’m tagged with a label… well… I feel like ripping someone’s eyes out.

So back to my train of thought, after my disarrayed moments pass, I’ll definitely write again.

Eh, the birds outside my window are making it very hard to fall asleep, so I’ll keep writing.

For some reason this just popped in my head, but I am writing to fall asleep anyway. A couple weeks back, my friend who was semi-drunk asked me how can you move on from someone you love and he explained to me that this girl was his everything and he started sharing experiences that he had with this girl.

I actually honestly told him that and I may be paraphrasing a little, “Nothing, you can do nothing. No matter how many other girlfriends you have or how busy you keep yourself, you’ll always find yourself thinking about her. And it make take a month, it make take a year, or it may even take 4, you’ll one day find yourself not loving her anymore and thats when you know you moved on. Of course, you’ll always think about her once in a while, but you’ll do it with an understanding that you may have never really loved her in the first place.”

Of course, I was slightly tipsed, but that was beside the point. I guess I may have shared a little of myself as well in that small advice.

I think about some of my old friends sometimes and wonder how different it would be, if they were still here. Then I think about it, only the good ones stay by your side. And yeah, I have problems with the good ones as well, but I keep trying.

I think what has been weighing me down the most is that always present sense of loneliness and truth that comes from being honest to beliefs. If I indeed could go back and change an aspect of my life, I’d still choose the option to leave it all the same.

Ah well, I should try again to fall asleep. Take care and if you did read this, well, thank you.

Sincerely,
Jed

Let’s Design the Perfect Girl (For Me)

I’m just joking around, I would not want to design a girl. Seriously, have you seen Dollhouse? It is seriously a moral and ethical thing that I don’t think I would want to comprehend or think about right now nor write about for the next six hours.

So lets get straight to the point, with all the really bad dreams I have been having in the last few days, it has given me ample time to replay the end of fallout 3, stay on the phone for 4-5 hours talking to friends, and contemplating a lot of… well… random concepts.

And through these random contemplation. A thought passed through my mind, what type of girl do I like? So I started analyzing all the girls that I have dated and compiled a pseudo-list of what traits they all had.

Strong Willed

Amazing Smile

Honest

Caring

Mischievous

Abusive =P

Morals and Personal Virtues

Vocal

I guess the list is pretty bland, but most of the girls I knew and dated were essentially like that. Yet, those aren’t the traits I’m really interested in.

No, I really want someone… well… I have a quote I came up with during my night time contemplation and I believe that it would fit in describing what my thoughts are. So here is the best way to describe it using my own spoken words, if that makes sense?

Rant Begin

“I really want a girl who looks at me, but doesn’t just see me. She sees everything around me and all the things that are important to the both of us. Does that make sense? I mean, you always hear people saying that “she/he is the only that I see when I look at them,” but it sounds so … I don’t know, it sounds like infatuation.

I really want a girl who doesn’t focus on me in her life, I want her to run around and accomplish her dreams but at the same time still need me to be there by her side. I guess it makes me more like a friend, but I really love to just be on that level where I don’t have to be jealous of any guy she’s with or worry if she is going to cheat on me.

I want to be part of her life, not the only thing in it. Does that make sense? Ah, I’m getting lost in rants here.

But, I really just want a girl who makes me part of her life and follows her dreams, but is honest enough to herself to believe in all that she can do and ask for help when she really needs it.“

Rant End

So that was my short little rant on the perfect girl for me. It sounds a little confusing and convoluted, but its the honest idea I have about the ladies that I let into my life.

So as always, I’m going to spend this night playing Elder Scrolls: Oblivion and contemplating life because of my sudden surge of nightmares in the last few days.

Don’t you love the summer time? It’s fun and I can practice my sleep deprivation techniques for this coming semester?

Take it easy.

Sincerely Yours,
Jed

What I Have Become

Someone asked me to describe myself in one sentence and to do it in the best way I possibly can. So I told this someone to give me a moment to think about it, and this is my response:

“I’m an individualistics, independent, tolerant, giving, stubborn, persuasive, cunning, eccentric, cruel, neurotic, rebellious, pragmatic, selfish, unscrupulous, pikachu-loving, hardly trusting, friend doubting, sunset loving, masochistic, sadistic, reliable, always failing, always rising, now honestly smiling, unconformingly believing, nonreligious, agnostic, high standards, corny and most importantly true-to-his-beliefs type of guy.“

In the long run, I have always belittled myself. Well, there are certain exceptions to that statement, but honestly… I have always had low expectations of myself.

In the past few months, I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet and tell myself that I am indeed nothing short of amazing. And the real reason why for this sudden change in ideas resulted from my need to start living my own life and not always serving others.

For the last 19 years of my life, I spent my time being the “good kid,” “the boy all the fricking parents wants their daughter to date,” “the volunteer,” “the saint,” “the giver,” “the guy who treats everyone to lunch,” and my personal favorite (sarcasm) “the nice guy.”

Sure, it allowed me to gain the trust of others and influence younger students in ways that, and I deeply apologize, were very very cruel. To be honest, I used my kindness to help others to the best of my abilities and amplify my dislike for people by simple comparison of my two sides. This allowed me, and I again apologize, manipulate others to such a large degree that no one ever caught on.

I have been a horrible person using my skills to destroy others emotionally and mentally.

Sure, at this moment, I’m still that guy who offers to buy a drink or lunch and that comes from my innate nature to help others because I really do want to be nice. Yet, what comes from this trust is deceit.

I needed the deceit to make me handle every day life, because one of my greatest fears have been not being wanted and in the end I used my kindness to satisfy my needs and abuse the trust of others.

The only two people who really have been able to see through my lies have been Gabs and Megan. While Ivan is the only person whom I have never abused as a friend.

In the end of this first year, I have become more truthful to others and instead of cunningly using my kind nature to my advantage… I have been using a strong sense of morals and public speaking skills to abuse my relationships, so I apologize once more.

It’s been one hell of a year and I have become someone I’m content with being. Yes, very very content.

I really have never cared about grades either, to me as long as I’m learning… I’ll be fine in the end.

Keep it easy, I’ll start writing again and updating this blog as well as my photojournalism one.

Sincerely,
Jed

What You Don’t Learn in School

There was a quote from Neil Gaiman, author of Coraline, that goes:

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

And for the last few weeks being at NJIT, I couldn’t help but agree with him.

College is an amazing time to go out into the world and find yourself, to craft your image, your lifestyle, your goals, dreams, and inspirations into finite figures that allows everyone a chance to find their way.

I still smile at the realization of one of my friends; he quoted someone who said, “ You find out what type of person you are, the second you leave home.“

And he was right. When I was in high school, all I could think of was finding that perfect someone, getting the most amazing of grades, and being popular. Yet, the second I get to college, all those things seemed trivial.

I had amazing friends and popularity doesn’t decide who you are. At the same time, I want amazing grades, but I know I’m not going to be perfect.

So in the last few weeks of attending NJIT, I composed a continued list of things they don’t teach you in school that Neil Gaiman started:
They Don’t Teach You…

How to tell someone that its going to be okay, when you know in your heart that it may never be.

How to get over someone who you really cared for.

How to keep getting up every time you fall.

How to accept yourself for who you are, including all the good and bad traits.

How to keep pushing forward, when everything tells you to go back.

How to get over heartbreak.

How to hold someone close in your arms and deal with the fact that you may never be with him/her.

How to be yourself and stay honest to what you want.

To keep yourself sane when everything seems to be going crazy.

To love someone with all your heart and not falter.

To make someone else smile.

To smile honestly.

To take criticism, accept it, and not be discouraged.

How to keep in touch with friends that are close to you.

How to brush her hair when she’s tired and tell her you love her

To keep everything you hold dear close to you.

Wake up everyday with a smile on your face.

To keep the things you hold dear safe and protected.

To fall in love with something that makes you happy.

How to make sacrifices.

How to lay down on the grass and enjoy the day.

To love music.

To enjoy life.

To be no one, but yourself.

College teaches you so many topics, but the most important things in life.

I guess, I’m still a little innocent up to now. I’m tired and I’m planning on sleeping in the Vector Office because I really don’t feel like going back to my dorm room.

Sincerely,
Jed

P.S. By the way, I’m starting a photography page on wordpress as well.

What I Love The Most About Writing…

As ‘romantic’ to ‘emo’ to ‘happy-go-lucky-bouncing-fluff-ball’ that I am, I have always loved writing and will always love to write.

Like writing, rainy days have always been the days where I would either sit watching the drops hit the window and think about the actions of each person can touch other people in so many little ways.

Today, I ran in the rain back to my dorm without a thought or second guess to why. When I think about it, I did it because I was stressed and fatigued. But in all honesty, I did it because I miss a lot of people I haven’t been able to talk to in a long time.

I miss spending nights with Megan, going to Dunkin Donuts with Gabs, or playing video games with Ivan.

Even though I no longer pour my pains and emotions on them because I honestly don’t want them to worry… I still need them in my lives because just being with them makes me feel like everything will be alright and all the stresses seem to just disappear.

And for some reason, I think I’m the most stressed right now because I don’t have a person like that at NJIT yet. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a better support here than in any other period of my life and I have friends whom I care dearly for, but I still need that someone who I could just sit with them and all that matters is I’m happy.

In a way, I guess I have been lying to a lot of people about my position and happiness in life and school. I feel so stressed and tired that its starting to show and in an innate way, is another reason why I love the rain.

I was crying when I was running back in the dorm and I stood there in the rain for a few minutes looking up at the sky and letting my tear drops mix with the droplets from the sky.

And you know what the funny thing is? I want to tell people how I’m feeling and how stressed I am and talk to someone about these things that when I am about to, I hold back because I hate it when people care or worry for me.

Because it goes back to how I have always felt worthless and a pain to everyone and is probably another reason why I started becoming who I am today.

I care so much about other people that it tears me up to hear someone else struggling and hurt that I can’t help but share their pain and I try my best to smile for them and to make them smile that I let go of any of my needs.

I really think I’m a horrible person.

I’m probably just caught up in the moment and stress. I’ll get out of it soon. I promise.

Love,
Jed

Limits

I have did all-nighters long enough to understand that my body can push a 40 hours limit at minimum, but a maximum of 52 hours.

Sleep is calling me, but I have a few minutes before I should get up and trudge on over back to my dorm room.

So pardon my ill-written and poorly formatted list of stuff on my mind, but you’ll understand where my limitations come in.

* I am honestly worried about my grades and how well I will do in my Calc 2 course.
* I am worried about my position in the Vector next year.
* I do not know if I can finish the layout on time.
* I do not know if I can do everything and still have time for myself.
* I do not know if this sacrifice will do me any good. (If you know, you’ll understand.)

Sleep is really calling to me, okay… let’s leave my limits here and hope that the two caffeine pills would comatose me tomorrow.

I’ll write more later.

Love,
Jed.